Friday, February 1, 2008

Tax Rules

I'm so happy that it's Friday--and I'm more tired than ever. You see, the "little" business we started less than a year ago is exploding (that's why I don't have the total of our losses yet--it may be a while). We are a full-fledged promotional products company now and work with any item anywhere. Our compressed tees are becoming the current rage in the other areas that we've expanded to. And, to top it off, I'm working on a huge project myself. Ugh. Why is sleep the first thing to be sacrificed when we're busy?

Since I really don't have time to complete many of the tasks that I start in a day, this article about creative state taxation gave me an idea. I'd like to increase my personal revenue and, in addition, render myself more time. I think if I tax my family and others for expending my energy when I don't feel that it's necessary, I'll be able to A) make some money and, most importantly, b) discourage them from interrupting me when I've finally carved out that 30 minutes in the day to work on my own projects.

Here are a few of the items that will be on my Whine Country Tax list. No voting necessary. This is not a democracy:

Whine Tax: Children caught whining (I've tuned it out for so many years, I may miss an episode or two) will immediately deposit the tax into a jar that I'll keep with me at all times. I'll have to loop a belt around it and tie it on my waist.

Water Tax: It seems that my children like to be served. "May I have some water, please?" is a frequent request, to which my response is usually "Go get it yourself" (I pride myself on being a sensitive and caring mother). You see, we have nice little plastic tumblers placed in a floor cabinet and an automatic water dispenser, which all the children three and over are capable of operating themselves. Under this tax, they will have one cup of water served with a meal for free. Refills or water in between meals will be happily served for a fee. This tax works in conjunction with the existing Cup Tax, which dictates that each child use one water cup per day.

Laundry Tax: I am frequently met with surprises when I enter my laundry room (I'm also slapped with a perpetual foul odor, but I've been unable to detect the cause). I will allow my children to deposit one outfit and one pair of underwear and socks each for everyday of the week. If I find an extra soiled pair of undies (boys do not refer to it in this term), and am able to figure out who it belongs to, that person will pay a tax. If they fall in the mud and require a new outfit for the day, then--boom--pay the tax or walk around pretending you're at the spa.

Repeated Question Tax: Once a request has been asked and answered, repetition of the same request, whether reworded or not, within twelve hours of the last one, will result in a heavy levy.

Toilet Paper Tax: You know those giant packages of Kirkland brand toilet paper from Costco? It's not big enough for us. (Yes, I know that two-ply isn't best for septic tanks, but the alternative is worse for me.) Our family members and visitors, excluding myself, of course, will be limited to four squares of toilet paper per bathroom visit (no, the boys may not stock pile if they go and don't need any). I will take inventory every time I hear the toilet flush. This tax is large because monitoring it is so labor intensive.

Book Tax: I will read no more than one book per hour, nor read the same book more than once per day. Total. If any child asks for a book less than an hour after I've read one or requests one that's already been read that day, then they'll have to pay the price.

Diaper Tax: If the baby would like her diaper changed more than once every two hours, she'll have to cough up the dough to cover the effort involved. This tax contains no age limits.

Fax Tax: Each time I answer my phone and receive a fax signal on the other end, extensive research will be performed in order to bring the perpetrator(s) to justice with a fat fax tax.

Doorbell Tax: If someone looking for work rings the doorbell at the front of our gate, and I have to maneuver through all the junk that my kids leave lying around to a window to catch a glimpse of who's there, they will endure this working man's taxation. If they refuse to retreat until they've spoken with me, they will be charged an extra tax for making me walk all the way out there in order to tell them that I have no work and they must leave immediately. A note will be posted and a secure collections box will be installed.

Dog Excrement Tax: Our dogs each will be allowed one pile of poop every 24 hours. Inventory will be taken at the end of each day and DNA testing will be performed in order to determine which of the dogs exceeded their daily limit. If a violation occurs, the offending animal will be rented out to an Iditarod training team until their tax has been satisfied. Attempting to mask the frequency by defecating on top of an existing mound will result in double duty on the team.